Grief as Initiation
Shortly after my brother died, my friend Lettie said “When people die, they leave us a lot of lessons.”
After she said that, I got this image of that scene in the beginning of Moana when her grandmother dies and there’s an energetic surge that rippled out of their home. This energy, in the form of blue light and the wind flew through the forest and out into the ocean, forming a sting ray (which was her spirit animal).
Something about that image softened the despair of it all.
I considered the impact that people have in our lives on a grander scale. It also helped me feel the way death and life are connected through energy. The way Albert Einstein shared that energy is neither created nor destroyed.
Though, at the time, I didn’t know what lessons I was supposed to see out of this tragedy.
It’s been almost three months since Danny died. At this point, the lessons seem to be coming in at an unsettling speed and ferocity. It’s as if I’m walking through a hallway that occasionally floods with waves of grief and leaves a sticky residue.
The hallway has doors that are showing me old patterns and cycles I’ve been in. And not just me, but my entire family. The roles I play, the way beliefs are passed down through generations, lifetimes, it all starts to make sense. Then the hallways flood again and close the doors shut. More doors keep opening.
I know these lessons are important but I can’t seem to grasp them all.
There’s a desperation, deep gratitude, and an overwhelming sense that the energy unfolding as lessons and flooding hallways are from my brother Danny.
I’ve been learning how to stay present when they arrive, especially when they’re uncomfortable and overwhelming.
Lettie was not kidding.
As you know, I’ve taken a pause in hosting events and producing the podcast. But every now and then I’ve shared some of these lessons I’m learning and ways I’m processing this loss in our community Telegram chat and on Instagram.
Some people have found them helpful, so I decided to share them as somewhat of a mini-series on the podcast.
There’s currently seven short episodes on the podcast. I shared about the polarity found in this grief portal, parallels in belief of religion and meditation, contemplated the difference (if any) between soul contracts and manifesting reality, and more.
The first full episode titled “Grief as Initiation: A Tantrika’s Journey” will air on Thursday March 5th and we will continue with weekly episodes. As you can imagine, this is a tender episode, and not what I originally had planned for our 100th episode.
We all face loss at varying capacities, every day of our lives
Grief is something many of us are quite illiterate about and most are uncomfortable in its presence… regardless what side you’re on. You could be the one navigating a devastating loss or the one supporting someone amidst their grief process. We are not taught the tools for this.
Grief isn’t just something to survive.
It’s something that can reorganize us if we’re willing to listen, instead of numb.
The sudden and tragic death of my little brother has been one of the, if not the, monumental initiations and journeys of my life.
Rather than trying to bypass the pain or “make meaning” too quickly, tantra invites us to stay… with sensation, with paradox, with the ache and the beauty coexisting in the same breath.
Grief, in this way, becomes an initiation. Something that shapes us when we let it move through.
Episode 100 is about learning how to sit with intensity without shutting down, and discovering what becomes available when we do.
If you’re in a season of loss, or walking beside someone who is, I hope these episodes offer a sense of companionship. A reminder that grief doesn’t mean something in you has broken. It often means you’re being opened.
Thank you for being here, and for allowing this work to evolve in real time.
P.S. If you're not there already, join the Houston Tantra Community Telegram Chat and share it with other like-hearted locals.
